Friday, January 3, 2014

I want to be able to support my wife and myself

I want to be able to both support my wife and simultaneously tell her constantly how much she sucks for not ----

...well, maybe: And maybe my wife effected miracles by keeping me alive for twenty years. Those years quite possibly would have been impossible without her. 

And Maybe: I gave everything I had to give to my wife and her contribution was limited to what she felt she could afford. 

And yet, at the same time, I can hold the conflicting view that my hubris was my commitment to her. That both of us were dedicated to the same cause:


....and that, given an equal dedication to perseverance, we both could have survived. 


...possibly the best line of Monk dialogue:

(Stanley Tucci visits as an actor desiring to "method-act" Monk. He shadows for weeks and becomes intricately involved in an investigation, as well as his research, but leaves.)

Therapist: "Why? Why did he leave? He was so committed. So close."

Monk: "He said that the role was too challenging. He wanted to play a character that wasn't so dark and depressing. He's in England. Doing Hamlet."

Buh Dah Tah


.....if I could have any one thing, and that one thing could be accounted for in my behaving in ways to be the partner my wife dreamed of, I would have done it, sacrificing all else.

I have been trying all along, sweetness. I was trying before you met me, I am trying now, and I was trying for every fucking moment along the way in between. Even those that you felt I was lacking in. When you thought I had stopped.

You know how I told you over and over again not to hate the ones who you exceeded? That to honor yourself and be honest with your oldself and your new potential you had to forgive and accept those who were your inferiors? Well, I did. I told you that over and over again.

I told you that you were smart, and beautiful and that to see yourself as worthless, stupid and ugly was just wrong. And that I knew that both of us were in many ways raised to think just that.

To not be surprised when you were the smartest one in the conversation, and when you came  to that realization, to not hate the ones below you, ESPECIALLY if they were me.

I did it partly out of survival instinct, and partly out of logic.

I knew that you believed yourself inferior to me, intellectually. And I knew that that was just wrong. There were many times were you had the greater skills. Budgeting, planning, organizing, were much more suited to you than to me. I was the dreamer. The creator, perhaps. I had a great capacity to forgive, sometimes, and to believe and to see the potential good in a situation. I do know that I have skills and gifts. But that is not my sole purview.  You have consistently, for example, had the greater capacity to imagine a future with life and hope. And you have by far the bigger heart.

For at my best, when I saw in you what no one else did, I did it to serve me. I did it because I knew how cool it would be to be with you. I did it because I saw the vast wealth and beauty in you that no one else seemed to get, or understand.

I saw opportunity.

But I lived up to the best of my ability to every agreement we made. Most specifically, to the one you urged me to the most fervently. The one that you said involved the "no matter what" idea. That I was to back you "no matter what" over the years. That that was the only way it would work.

Now, I know that you see me as having failed you. As having deceived you. Even as having cheated you.

I would say that I was alone in the effort to keep me alive, and sometimes I had to do ugly stuff.

Every single bad decision I made was made to help me survive.

It would have been very different if I had felt that there were two of us committed to me, as well as to us.

When I was fired, I felt that I could not tell you without suffering devastating wounds. That you would NOT comfort me. That you would not tolerate me. And with this idea in my heart I hid my truth from you. This was a horrible uncovering when it came out. But it was not my creation alone. It is not important that you believe this. But it is and was true to my heart's actions.

Many bad, horrible choices came from this action. Once I was fired, I acted in every way to protect myself and to help my own short-term survival. Many of these choices and actions were devastating to our relationship once they came to light in your eyes.

But when the truth of my deception came clear to you, there was in you nothing but hatred and loathing for me. Yet you had participated, too. Do you still feel only wounded? Or do you, too, feel that you had a measure of responsibility in the creation of the scenario?


You, for one.

Every single one of my friends that gave shit about me took me aside and said "Wait. Slow down. Are you sure?"

Sequentially, I told them all to "fuck off," with no further explanation.


To Roxanne Henryson I give the following instructions regarding her appointment as executor to my estate.

Specifically, that these are my wishes for the dispersion of my estate.

That the estate, which today seems to be valued approximately at $400,000.00, to be distributed to a list of twenty five people, as listed below.

Ms. Henryson should receive a fee for this service, equal to an equal share of any member of the list.

First, the list:

On Blogger, Commander1958:

...along with my wishes.

I wish for your health and wealth and wonder.

For your prosperity and joy, too.

For you to know of your own miraculous grandeur, and your limitless potential.

For you to know how sad I have been; to have been such a vacuum and a sin; to have to apologize now
for having been such a bad cow,

And for the amazing gratitude I feel, even now when I am bound to kneel, asking forgiveness for every deed.

For without your tia Carmen, I never would have know you at all.

Having had no children of my own, directly. But that you are mine, by chance, and good fortune, and promise. That the hope of the future is limitless, and that the potential for life is enormous.

She is by far the best thing to have happened to me. And I wish I could have managed things better, though I did try my best.

I would hope for you to forgive me for my shortcomings, and to remember my love for you and your potentials.

Remember all the times I asked you questions (When Carmen told me to shut the fuck up). Because I KNOW you are the hope and the future of the world.

Use your brains, wild, wonderful ones! Find whatever the fuck lights you up and chase it like it is the goddamn lottery!

You have a wonderful, miraculous mind, far, far better than the latest X-box, and it is your duty, as well as your honor, to use it, and chase it, and squeeze it, for all that it can yield.

Namaste, loved ones. I have been very lucky to have known you.

Your tio, Douglas
January 3, 2014

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